Ok! So, I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. I don’t feel full of joy and love right now. I mean, I’m not sick or anything, but I just don’t feel over-brimming with life’s precious energy. I’ve been doing my practices–I guess. I’ve been getting enough sleep, eating right, exercising, loving my husband, even meditating, but I still feel “the Phunque.” (I made the spelling fancy to help myself feel better about it, but it still feels FUNKY.)
I am grateful; I am spiritual; but it doesn’t matter. Right now, in this moment, I just feel funky. I don’t have any wise words about how to feel better. I don’t have a pretty pictures with inspiring words to post on my FB page. I’ll go shovel off my driveway in a few minutes and the exercise will feel good, but it won’t take away my despair as I look at the state of the world. I feel over-whelmed by the thought of trying to do something to help the deplorable conditions I see evolving around me everyday. I cannot pretend that things are rosy, when they are not. I cannot pretend that I agree with ignorant decisions when I see the ignorance and the bullshit behind them. (Sorry about the cussing). I cannot pretend to find bliss in pain. The shadow is the shadow. I want to feel happy and joyful, but it isn’t happening right now.
So? What am I left with? This IS my is-ness right now. It will pass, but I want to just sit here for a minute and let it be–without self-judgment and self-hate, without analysis and correction. I am not trying to find a solution. I have no “action item.” This is the shadow. This is the Dark Matter that lurks in us all: a combination of anger, frustration, fear, sadness and despair. Quite the cocktail to toast the New Year!
This is not the usual happy, new year’s message, though I do wish all of you peace and prosperity in the coming year. I wish for SO much more than that for everyone that sometimes it sticks in my throat. If I were a wolf, I would be howling!